I blogged quite a lot when I started with the IVF. It was a while ago. 

Feels like an eternity. When the first go failed I was quite upset, but I
somehow knew it wouldn't work then. I just didnt expect it. We had so much going
on back then and I guess it was a stressful time. 

They always say don't stress, it's not good for you.. Easier said than done!!
So when we had our 2nd go and it was a frozen embryo transfer, I didn't tell anyone.
Not even my mum or Ads' mum. We were the only ones who knew.

I took the needles again as advised and some tablets each day for weeks..
The needles are the worst :( They still get to me..
It hurts a lot at times, but then some times I can barely feel it..
But it's not the pain that bothers me.. It's the idea of me doing this weird thing to myself.
Just doesn't feel right. Hard to explain..
No one can understand what I'm going through at the moment.
(Apart from other women that are going through IVF or have done in the past)
I hate when people say "It'll happen when you least expect it".. NO IT BLOODY WON'T!!

I know people try to be nice and understanding, but they have no idea so I rather not hear it
at all..

We had 2 frozen eggs put in last year in Dec and they told us to take a pregnancy test
on the 23rd. 1 day before X-mas eve and 2 days before X-mas day.. 
I so wanted to tell my mum she would finally become a grandmother. 
Finally be able to tell family and friends that it's our turn now..

I woke up early that morning. I was so nervous. I had one of them new digital
tests.. Did what I needed and me and Ads sat there in the bedroom waiting to see if it would
say "Pregnant" or "Not pregnant".. And 2-3 minutes later there it was...

"NOT PREGNANT"... Something died in me at that moment... I started crying so much
and Ads held me in his arms and tried to comfort me. I felt like such a failure..
I know it's not my fault and it's all luck I guess if it happens through IVF.
I don't know, but at that minute I felt like nothing. Empty. Broken. Sad.

Told my mum and she said there's nothing we can do and that we will just have to
try again and that made me feel a bit better. 

So we are now on our 3rd go. I will keep you posted. I will not give up.
We will have our baby one day. We both have hope and each other :) 


is unfair....
But that's all I want to say about this at the moment..
I am "ok". I am not losing my mind or giving up HOPE.
No, I could not do that. No matter what life throws at me.
I will always have you... Hope.....


I have none whatsoever.
And today I did something really stupid and now I'm devastated..
Why can't I just wait for things to happen in it's own time?
What is wrong with me?

I don't know.. Can't go into it at the moment. Will blog about it next week...

I'm such an idiot..
And I now want to tattoo the word Patience onto my body more than ever..
Need to find a design and a place to put it...

I'm a complete IDIOT.

IVF Day 30

Yesterday was the last day of needles!! 
Well last needles I will have to inflict myself with..
I had 3 needles in total last night. The 2 I have had for a month as normal at 7pm.
And a last one called Pregnyl at midnight. My last one!!
It was such a relief when one of the nurses called me yesterday and finally
told me it would be the last one! :D

I had a scan again on Friday morning and they said that the follicles had grown more and
that it could be either Monday or Tuesday that they would collect the eggs..
I was hoping it would be Monday. They called me in the afternoon and said they
would go ahead with it on Monday. 

So tomorrow is egg collecting day and then they do their magic and hopefully
by end of the week they will put them back in me.. 
It all feels like a dream. I won't be blogging any more about this until I know what has happened.
I really hope it works the first time :) But we won't give up either way.

IVF Day 27

So we went back to the hospital today. I was almost 100% sure that last night
would have been my last night of injections. Felt confident about it.
Had a scan and then a nurse sat down with me and said:
"You have lots of follicles". Me:"Is that good?" Nurse:"Yeah!"
And then she was saying something about some of them being really good,
and some might be where they need to be by Friday and if not Friday it will be Monday.
She was talking about the egg collecting.. I was like "huh". Already?!
I kinda hoped it would be time for it, but didn't think it would be so soon.
The nurse advised me that the Dr would make the decision and they'd call me later in the day
with an answer. So I had to go to work and wait for a call.
Was late afternoon when I had a missed call.
She said they wanted me to keep taking the injections and I would have another scan on Friday..
I was like "noooooooooooooooooo!!".. Grrr.
I called them and she said that it will be Monday most likely
when they collect the eggs.. I really hope so..
I'm getting so excited now, but a bit nervous too.
I really hope it works out :$ I want it so badly..
I will always have hope ♥

IVF Day 26

I'm still doing the injections.. Feels like it's been going on forever..
The 2nd needle is the worst, but it feels like it's gettin worse by each day
that goes by.. I am pretty fed up with having to do this to myself :/

Had to increase my dosage of the 2nd needle (Menopur) on Friday and
then I had another blood test and a scan on Sunday.
Going back tomorrow morning.. For another scan.
I'm kinda hoping they're going to tell me that it's almost time for the
extraction.. I wish they're going to tell me it's going to be next week..
How awesome would that be??!!
But I doubt it.. I will keep you posted.
My poor belly is so sore and all bruised :S 
Let's see what happens tomorrow.
Fingers crossed!!

IVF Day 20 - Syringes

Ok here is a pictue of the stuf I need for my daily injections.
I was going to take a proper picture of the needles, but didn't..
Maybe another day? Does anyone want to see this?
Or is it just me that cares about this? Ha, I'm crazy I know, but this is
the only way I know how to cope with this whole bizarre situation. 
And hopefully if everything works out I can look back at this and feel some kind of comfort.
And relief :)

Maybe even help others that will be going through the same thing as me.
The left one with orange "cap" is the one I've been injecting most. The one to the right is
the big one that hurts like a b*tch.. It's the "yellow cap" thingy that is the needle I use. 
The green one is to mix the powder and liquid.. Poor picture quality :/

IVF Day 19

F*ck this!!! :'( Started the 2nd injection on Sunday... 
And it's a big b*stard! :/ Bigger than the other one..
It hurts to push it in my belly. The other one goes in easier, but it stings
when the liquid goes in, but this 2nd syringe hurts when going in the skin.
*Shrugs* I don't know how I will cope doing this for 2 weeks.. Just hoping it
won't be longer.. 

Got to go back to the hospital on Friday to give more bloods to see how I'm doing. 
If I'm producing enough eggs. If it's going too fast or too slow and take it from there..
I just want the day where they'll take my eggs do their "magic" and put them back in me to
be NOW.. Feels like forever away.. I know I've done well so far, but it's not easy.. 
I try not to think negatively, but it's one of the worst things I could put myself through.

On the flip side I do feel quite proud of myself. I never thought I could do something like this
being scared of needles and all.. So I feel some relief in that :)
Was so close to posting pics of the syringes :/ But was told by a reader that I shouldn't so I will
think about it.
Ok time for needles again.. Ads is preparing them and I'm freaking out as per usual. 
Going to treat myself to a hot bath afterwards even though I had a spider encounter
in the bathroom a few hours ago.. That's an entirely different phobia/story.
Bye for now..

IVF Day 16

People seem to think it should get easier to inject myself..
Just because I've done it 16 times so far.. They could not be more wrong.
It's still as bad as the first time I did it..
I constantly think about it. I dread 7pm.. Dread holding the syringe and
my hands tremble. I get all sweaty and I think "I can't do this"..
Squeeze my belly and hold the needle close to the skin and I start
panicing.. But then I jab it in my belly and squeeze the liquid inside. 
It always stings badly and then I quickly pull it out and throw the syringe away.
And that's when I usually start to cry :/
I'm not asking for sympathy. It's just what I do every day at 7pm. 
Tomorrow night I start the 2nd needle.. 2 needles at a time..
I don't know how I will do it... But I have to... Somehow..

IVF Day 12

Not blogged too much about what's going on. As it's the same thing
day in, day out. I go to work deal with all the stress there and I've decided
that I need to care less.. It's not going to be easy, but I've realised that I don't get
paid enough to worry as much as I usually do! I will keep doing my job as I
always have done, with a smile on my face when talking to customers, but
not more than that.
It's not always the best thing to be as open and honest as I am..
Never wanted to become just one of many robots in a company.
Or someone that butt kisses to get to the top. I don't know how some people do it..
I have far too much integrity to be one of them..
The worst feeling is that I can't trust people at work..
I have a few people I trust, but the rest.. Not so much..

Trying to think positive as I need to be stress free..
The last few nights haven not been easy when I've had to inject myself..
I broke down last night.. It hurt so much so I had to stop and Ads asked if he
should do it for me instead.. But I was too scared and I should really do it myself..
But it's not the easiest thing to do.. Not if your scared of needles like I am..
I'm dreading Friday.. That's the day I might start the 2nd injection...
2 needles a night :/
I have been talking to a friend of ours who went through IVF and she has
the cutest little boy now :) She makes me realise that what I am going through now
is going to be worth it in the end.
I want to be a mamma! (Swedish for mummy). And I can't wait to make Ads a dad :)

IVF Day 5

Still going strong. It's not getting any easier, but it has to be done.
Last night was the worst by far. For some reason it just hurt like hell.
I actually screamed out loud when I pushed the needle in my belly.
:S Not sure what happened then :( Was so unpleasent!

Felt really ill this morning, been feeling rubbish all day. 
Not sure if it's one of the side effects of the injections.
Good thing I only worked half day. Don't think I would have managed a whole day
in work. Took me several minutes to do the injection tonight as I was terrified
it would hurt again tonight.. Kept staring at the syringe in my hand and thought
"This is f'd up". And then I did it.. Was not as bad as last night thank God. 
Day 5 out of the way, but many more to go.
All that makes me cope at the moment is music. Been listening a lot to Bruno Mars'
album. His music is so good. But also Katy Perry and most recently Natasha Bedingfields
latest album. Her voice is so good and her lyrics are great too!
Her songs called "Neonlights" "Weightless" and Try are some of the best ones :)

If you want new music to listen to then get it and see what you think ;)

IVF Day 2

Last night I had such a bad pain in my shoulders and neck.
Could not sleep all too well and Ads felt the same this morning.
He thought we might have light wiplash. So we went to see the Dr.
They said it might be wiplash and that it will get worse for 7-10 days
and then it should wear off..

Not what we needed now. I am okay, but it does hurt my neck when I turn around
or when I look up. Hope it gets better asap! 

Spent a little time in the house again. The stairs are getting whiter, but I still need a few
more coats. I am proud of myself for doing it and not giving up :) It's not easy. 
But it will be worth it in the end!! :)

So I had needle number 2 an hour ago. Should really do it at 7pm, but Ads went out to
watch the footie. *Hmpf* So did it before he left. 
I cried after I did it.. Yesterday was different, I was "strong" infront of the nurse, but today..
It was just me, Ads and the needle.. It just hit me that this is something I'm going to be doing
for quite a while.. Seeing the syringe makes me all shaky..
I know a lot of people probably think
I'm being silly, I wish it was simple and that I wasn't terrified..
But I have always had issues with needles.
2 days down and many more to go, but I will do it!
Thought about taking pics of the needles, but not sure if I should :/

IVF Day 1

Woke up this morning really nervous. I went to sleep around 10.30pm.
I was so tired last night, but woke up rested. 
On our way to the hospital someone drove into our car. 
Was not too bad, but it was quite a bump. He admitted he wasn't looking..
I was in a bit of a shock and Ads was so angry and upset. Bless him.
Took the guys details and drove to the hospital..

I don't like hospitals. Especially the one I go to for the treatments.. 
Everyone in there want the same thing as me, and I can't help to wonder
who these women are. What are they thinking about, are they as scared, but
hopeful as me? Will they have a baby soon? Will I? All these things go around
my head. And then the nurse says my name: "Karolina Keric".

She take us to a room and she sits there and tells us what I am going to do for the next
month. I'm trying to take it all in, but it still overwhelms me. 

She then says: "Lets show you how you will be injecting yourself daily"..
She picks up a box with the syringes and some liquid stuff. 
Nurse: "Make sure there are no bubbles"... I'm just staring at her.. 
Nurse: "Shall I do it for you and then you'll know what to do tomorrow?".
Me: "No thank you, I should do it and you can tell me if I do it right.."

So I take the syringe and inject myself in the belly.. It was not very pleasant,
but it went quite fast. I was quite impressed with myself. But the thought of having
to do it every day for a month is quite disturbing! 2 weeks of these hormone needles
and then 2 weeks of some other stuff, but when I start the other ones I am still taking these ones.
Which means 2 needles a night for 2 weeks!!

I might take pics of all the stuff she gave me.. I got a huge carrier bag with needles and stuff.
Day 1 is over with.. She said I will start feeling different eventually and might get bad
mood swings.. Oh the joy.

But have to stay positive. Doing it for a good cause. Just hope it will work. 

Nervous...And scared

Friday, is the day...

We start the IVF then. Well I got an appointment where they will show me how to
inject myself :S I am terrified of needles.. Knowing I will have to inject
myself every day for God knows how long is freaking me out.

But I know it's for a good cause. It is what I want more than anything in the entire
world. Becoming a mother one day, if everything works out well for us.
It's not a guarantee, but I won't give up.

I will be blogging about this the whole way, more for me than anyone else.
Because I know it won't be easy when I go all crazy and hormonal when I start on the
hormones.. Might help me to keep my sanity somehow :)

Friday.. 4 days to go. Counting? Me?? Noooot at all...

*Trembles when thinking of the needles..*

But I will do it, so I can have a chance to have my own little baby.
If only a slight chance. It would be worth it all.

I love baby feet, they are so cute!! ♥

My biggest wish

I have always wanted a baby. A little human being that has my genes,
and who will call me mamma/mum for the rest of my life. 
I can't explain how much I want this..
Me and Ads have been together for almost 4 years and we have wanted a baby
the last few years. But it's not happened.
Sometime last year I started thinking if there might be an issue with us having a baby
the "normal" way. People kept saying: "You'll have it when you least expect it".
Or: " When you stop trying it'll happen". And all the stories with other people
who had tried for years and then when they stopped the girl was pregnant a month later..
It's all good for them and it's easy for people to say these things when they have what I want
the most..
So last year we decided to see a doctor and after months of waiting and having loads of tests
they told us we needed IVF.. My world fell apart. I always thought I'd have a baby the "normal" way.
"Why is this happening to us" went through my mind. 

We got referred to one of the best IVF clinincs and then the waiting started again..
All the tests yet again. I started losing it and felt so down. A few months ago they told us
we were eligible for IVF treatment through the NHS. I felt so relived. Finallly.
We were supposed to start in December, but then I went and fractured both my arms..
But I'm hoping we can do it soon..
The chances are slim that we will be succesful when we do it.. But the Dr said I'm a good candidate..
So please keep your fingers crossed for us.. 
This is the only thing I want. It would make me the happiest person alive to be a mother.
To have someone to love and care for. Our baby would be so loved :) 

I wish upon a star.. So many times..
I'm not going to give up ♥ You will be ours one day.

RSS 2.0