I'm back

Not writing a lot today..

Had some bad news this morning.

I'll be posting more in a few days time when it's all sunk in.

Hope you are all well.

Life is unfair

Here we go again....
Another person that we love and care about has been diagnosed with the C word....
Why does it have to happen to someone that is so nice and caring?
I just don't get it :( 

It's almost 2 years ago (in February) since we lost D...
Now her brother has been diagnosed and it's not curable.
He only turned 60 this year.
I've only known him for a few years, but I know that he does not deserve this.

I'm so sad for Adam and his family. This keeps happening to them too often...
Don't know what to say or do. I feel helpless.
I want to scream out loud and cry at the same time.
Here we go again...
Heart ache and unfairness.
If you have someone you love, but you don't see them very often, pick up the phone
and call them. See how they are. Or go around and see them if you can.
Give them a big hug..
I don't know what else to write..
Life is just so f-ing unfair....
This is how I feel... Right now...


I'm filled with sadnes. Utterly overwhelmed with sadness.

I read something on Twitter yesterday and I decided to ignore it.
I didn't want to know. I'm not being selfish/cold or ignorant..
I just can't take bad news very well. It's a fact and since my depression a few years
ago I decided to stop reading newspapers and watch News on TV...
I've stood by that decision until today..
Ads mentioned Norway last night too. I said "I don't want to know".
This morning I went online and started reading one of Swedens newspapers online.
I read that 84 people have been killed on an island.
Most of them young people. Kids really. That have barely had time to live their lives yet.
And they were all gunned down by a crazy person.
I have since read a surviving girls blog post and I cried so much whilst I read it.
I can't imagine what she would have been going through when she was laying on the ground
pretending to be dead when her friends were shot down around her. It makes me
so sad and I can't believe it. But it's all true :'( 

I wish I could do something.. But I'm miles away and I feel so helpless.
I hope the guy gets what he deserves, but listening to some Norwegian news they said that
the longest prison sentence in Norway is 21 years...
21 years in prison for killing so many young people? For leaving their families and friends
without their loved ones?
Where is the justice in that??

As that was not enough bad news today..
I only just read that Amy Winehouse has been found dead..
First on Twitter. I thought it was a bad, bad joke or something. 
Then it was there on BBC news and Sky News..

Poor young, brilliantly talented Amy. Why did you have to get involved with drugs and shit?
Your music will live on, but we will never hear anything new from you :'( So sad.

RIP to all of the people killed in Norway and Amy Winehouse.
My thoughts are with you.

Nose op

I'm gonna keep it short as I'll just get upset again if I write too much about it.
Monday morning at 7.30 am Ads took me to Trafford General Hospital for my operation.
After an hour waiting they said to all of us waiting that all the partners/family members
would have to leave and they would contact them when we have woken up from the surgery..
I was outraged. So was Ads. We both thought he could be there before I went under and when I woke up..
I was not happy about this at all. Quite upset really.
I was scared and nervous.
They took me down and got prepared and all that. And then it was time to go under..
It was a weird feeling waking up. Hearing a lot of people talking around me.
Took me a while to get round.
They then took me back up and put me in an examination room next to the waiting area..
This room had no windows and the doors were wide open. I was on the bed they had took me
down to the operation. It was a hard and very uncomfortable bed... I was there for an hour thinking
what is going on. Dr came to see me and said I had been bleeding heavily.. 
I knew what he was going to say next.. "You gotta stay the night".. 
I wanted to cry. I had to call Ads myself. The nurse on duty was a right b****..
Another nurse helped me to the toilet and she went "Oh my God".. I was like what?

Looked at my back in the mirror and that ugly dressing gown they give you at hospitals
was soaked with blood at the back..

They did not have a bed for me and it took them 5 hours to get me one.
And I was in that room on display for 5 hours... Aching and sweating as it was boiling in there..
Not gonna bore you with anymore details. All in all it was a horrible experience and I would not go back
to that hospital again.

Next day when I saw the Dr I asked if they got everything.. He said they had done most of it, but because
of my bleeding they had to stop.. So they did not clear all the sinuses. Typical.. 

Im now at home and I have been spending past few days in bed recovering. My nose is constantly running
and I've used up so many tissues :X Can't breathe at the moment. I hope it gets better soon! I want to go back to work and normality.
Here are some pics from the op...
Be warned, some of it is yuki.
The pillow, covered with my blood. Yuk!!
Hate these things...
Breakfast in bed? Tea was yuki.
Can they do anything right??
Loveli flowers Ads mum gave me :) 

I don't know what I'd do without Ads. He took care of me after I woke up and
brought me everything I needed. I love you so much Adam ♥
And thank you for helping me out with everything whilst I'm recovering. 
You're my star!! Xx

I'm alive...

Will post a blog post in a few days 
But here is a pic of me yesterday... Sorry if it's not a nice one!

Just a bit empty

Life is a bit low at the moment. I don't like feeling this way..
Sometimes I get scared that I'll fall into D... again...
Not gonna let that happen! I will fight it every step.
The weather isn't helping at all. It's 12th of June and it's cold.
Back home in Sweden, they are having the best summer weather.
Jealous? YES!
I just want to be able to enjoy my weekends and have a nice day out.
Playing badminton. Going for walks. Sitting outside and just "being".
Feeling the sunshine on my skin. I need it. It's hard to explain what sunshine does
to me and what lack of sunshine does to me.. 

But I am still waiting for it. And instead of being outside and playing around or doing
something fun.. I'm stuck inside, just waiting for the nice weather.

Give me sunshine any day. I would be so much happier.
I was so warm this day. This is in Seaworld last September. I wanted to jump into the fountain :P
Christmas Day 2010 in Tenerife. I would love to be there right now.

Wish List For The Big 30!

I can't believe I'll be 30 years old this September.. Eeeeek!!!
Hahaha :$ 

I don't feel like 30. Don't think I look 30 either ^^ :P 

But I am what I am. 30 years old on the 30th of September 2011...
Uh oh.

I have nothing planned as of yet, due to everything that is going on at the moment..
(Major surgery and IVF... )
But it won't stop me from wishing for a few things to happen on my big day :P
Here is my Wish List. *Hint, Hint, HINT* Hahaha ;)

The top 2 are what I want more than anything. Then the rest of it is not as important.
And in no particular order.
I want to be pregnant by the 30th of September 2011..
I know it might happen, but I do hope I will be..
Fingers crossed for me!!
I really want to go back to our favourite place in the world.
Las Vegas ♥

I want to go see Katy Perry Live again when she comes back to Manchester
later in the year. Would be so awesome!!
A Miu Miu bag... *Drool* Maybe not this one, but any would do ;) haha
Gift Vouchers so I can go shopping :P So much better than cash as I'd
probably spend the cash on food shopping or something haha :$
A lovel Spa Treatment would be nice too :) Love being pampered on my Birthday.
Loveli red roses! I love roses no doubt.. I'd love some ;) 

Spend time with my loved ones is another one I'd want..
But I doubt I'll be with my family for my 30th. 
No plans on going back for my B-day.
Would have been nice to have all my loved ones around me for the day..
Oh well. As long as Ads is with me I'll be happy ♥
That is my Wish List. Let's see if I get any of it ;) :P

My life - A mess

I can honestly say that I have a lot of bad luck in my life.
Usually linked to health issues.. I have had trouble breathing for the last year.
I've been sent to different Dr's and been told so many different things.
I've had stupid hay fever sprays prescribed to me, had a CT scan, allergy tests and few weeks ago
they shoved a microscopic thing down my nose. Very strange feeling..

Yesterday I went back to the Dr's who told me I need to have major surgery..
Not one, but two different ones at the same time.
One is called Nasal Septal Surgey (Yeah I had no idea what that meant before yesterday)
and the second one is a Sinus Surgery.
The first one is a scary one.. A bone in my nose that should be straight is bent, so they need
to straighten it out.. I need to be off work for 2 weeks...!! 
I will have two black eyes after the procedure and other stuff..

Can't believe this. Could not come at a worse time.. So much else going on that I need to focus on,
but I know my health needs to come first and I need to get it sorted.

The surgery is on 4th of July...
If you're curious what it looks like then google "Nasal Septal Surgery"..
It was too yucky for me to put it on here :( 


I will be 30 years old on the 30th of September.. This year..
It's quite scary. It's a big number. I don't feel 30..
And I don't look it ;) Haha. Well that's what people usually tell me :$

I am thinking of things I would want to do for my b-day.

First I wanted to have a big party, but then I thought naaaah.
I don't want to celebrate getting old with everyone staring at my old face haha.
And then I thought I could get a designer bag. Oh la la. I've always wanted a designer
bag, but can't decide. Miu Miu? LV? Mulberry? Not sure!

Another idea is to go to Las Vegas for 10 nights!? That would probably be the best 30th
b-day present ever :) (Well there would be one thing that would beat even Las Vegas..)
But I would love to go there for my day. The Big day. 

We shall see what I do ;) I got 5 months to go... Eeek!!!

Me in 2007

Here is a pic of me when I met Ads for the 2nd time.
I look so young and happy :)
I am still happy!! But not young haha :P

For Japan

It's awful what happened in Japan. And I wish I could donate hundreds if not
thousands of pounds to help them, but I don't have that money, so I thought I
could at least donate £5 by buying this Lady Gaga bracelet. I know £5 is not enough,
but if we all donated £5 each it would be a lot of money in the end.

At least I feel I am doing something rather than just sitting there and doing nothing.
Click on the link if you want to help too. 

For Japan <------------------ Click on the link.


I can not stand fake people. I just can't.
Why do some people feel the need to be fake? It's so transparent..
They look you in the eye and blatently lie in some way or another
when they smile at you or even talk to you.

I could not do that. If I don't like someone (usually a good reason for it)
then I don't talk to them. I just blank them out. And they usually know that
I don't like them. I'm not mean or anything I just don't make an effort to
be all nice and fake to them. Why waste my energy on people who are not
real? No thanks, not my style.
I rather be real than someone that would stab people in the back to get where
they want to go. Whether it's your personal life or professional life.
The last few months I've realised how many fake people there are out there..
And I don't know what to do as I can't say anything without being paranoid that
the fake person/persons will say something to get ahead of me.

Okay, rant over :) 
Just ventilating. Not done this for a while haha.

Race for Life 2011

I am doing it again!!! :) I am so excited about this.
Last year we did the 5k Race for Life here in Manchester and with your
help we raised £289!! Thank you once more ♥ This year I'm hoping we can raise
£300. Should be possible right? :D

Here is the website if you feel generous and want to help me with a good cause.
Any donation is welcome. Even a pound! I will do my best again in the race to make you
all proud of me.

Click link below:


Pics from last year.

And I will be running for Diane again this year, but also for others that we have lost
to this evil disease. But also for the survivors!!

We miss you every day D. Love you always.
Will make you proud! ♥

Thank you for all your support.

2010 wrapped up Part 2


I worked for a multi lingual company and I met so many crazy and lovely people there.
I won't ever forget them. Had a lot of crazy nights out with them.
We went out most weekends! Madness.
Here are some pictures.

At the end of the month I also decided to leave Traveljigsaw (the company I worked for)..

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right one. And most people thought I was

crazy or picky :/ I just knew what I wanted. Or maybe more like what I did not want..

Oh and I finally got a new camera! I was so happy about that ;)


Because of my old job and the new one that I was starting early June, I could not stay in Sweden

as long as I might have wished. So I went home on a Friday and went back to England on the Monday..

Not enough time to be with my family :( But I was happy I got to see them.

It was my "lil brothers" 23rd B-day.

Some pics:


Adam also surprised me with tickets to go see Lady Gaga. I was so incredibly happy that day :)

The concert was amazing. I danced/cried/sang/laughed so much. I absolutely loved it.
She is a genius. I wish I had some pictures, but I did not bring my camera..


I started hiking with Barbara (Ads's mum and his uncle John. We went every Sunday)

I loved getting away from all the hustle in Manchester and just walk for hours in some beautiful places.




11th of July I did something that I was so proud of. 
I did the 5k Race for Life. I'd never done anything like that before.

I was so happy to do it with Ads's mum as we both did it for the same cause.

She has lost 2 siblings to cancer and I knew one of them.

D, I hope you were proud of us.

And thanks to all of you that sponsored me this year. 
I don't know how I'll ever thank you enough.

We raised a total of: £279!! :) Next year I'll be doing the 10k and hoping for £500!


We found out that we were going to Orlando/Florida after all!!


I went out with my new work mates a few times. Was nice and messy :)

Lovely Rachel and me in Poptastic in the Village. We always have a great time there :P

The gang

Back in the village


I started watching some new TV shows that I'm hooked to now. 
For example: Lie to me and Cougar Town (with Courtney Cox!) and Pretty little Liars.

I blogged a lot about stuff I wanted to buy ie clothes.clothes and more clothes :p

And I went out on a hen night. Was fun :)

September/October/November and December will come whilst I'm away on holiday. Keep an eye out ;)




2010 wrapped up Part 1

I can't tell you how happy I will be when this year is finally over..
I've had bad years before, when certain things have happened to me or my loved ones
that I'll never forget.. But not once has one year had so many bad events..

I just hope and wish 2011 will be better.
Here is my 2010 in pictures or words.


I started the year with a bang. Had a messy New Years Eve with lots of embarrassing pictures.
Here are a few of them.

I wrote a blog post I really love.
I called it masochists or optimists", based on a Sex and the City episode.
And the year started with bad news too..
Someone we loved got really ill and we had to see her get worse by the day.

I started the year deciding I would not have an alcoholic drink for 3 months.
(and I didn't have a single drop)
Something happened that I'd been waiting for a while.
Something I thought I'd be happy about, and it made me realise that I was right :) good feeling.
I got very negative about everything around me :( A very bad month..
And I stopped blogging the way I used to, I did not enjoy it at all.


We lost our beloved D.. She passed away a week after we were told she had cancer.
It just all happened so sudden. She was there, and then she was gone.
It was such a sad time for us and Ads's family. 
I will never forget you D
I decided to do the 5k Race for Life in memory of Diane.
And you all helped me raise money for this cause.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥
I had a wonderful time with my friend at Kelly Clarkson's concert.
She was amazing live and I hope to see her perform again.

Me and Ads had been together for 3 years on February the 6th ♥


I made a decision that would change things for me in a way I could not have imagined.

I did something that many didn't believe I was able to. They wondered why I did it. 
I left a job where I'd been for 18 months. Ads worked there too, so they thought I was stupid for leaving,but I could not stay any longer. I was forced to leave by the people who I worked for.

And I was so happy when I found out I was offered a new job, a new possibility for me.


The Oscars, I love it, always had. Stayed up all night and watched it :)

First ever female director won an Oscar. It was Huge.


My friend signed us up for Street dance classes. I loved it and had so much fun.


Was an annoying month because we were having issues with buying the house and stuff kept going wrong and we had to wait to get it all sorted.

End of the month we finally got the keys to the house and we started ripping wallpapers down :)

I will continue with the rest of the months in a few days. Thought this would be fun,

but realising this year has been so bad. Not all bad don't get me wrong, but a lot of it.


House arrest again

That's what's awaiting me now for the rest of the week we are in England before
our holiday.. Why?? Because it has started snowing again..
I love snow. I don't think people understand how much I love it.
It is so beautiful and I love to make snowmen and snow angels!! 
But I also dislike it now.. Since I fell/slipped on it (icy snow).. 

I can't go out when it is snowy outside. Scared I'll fall again and re fracture my elbows.
Would not be the wisest thing to do..
But I've been enjoying my "freedom". Being able to go out for a walk. 
It has made me feel a bit better!

Also worried that it will cause us issues with our flight to Tenerife next weekend..
We all know about our "luck" when we travel...

*Sigh, sigh and double sigh...*
Pics from tonight. First is outside our kitchen window and second outside the bedroom.
It is all untouched and so beautiful.. If my arms weren't broke (kinda) I'd run outside
in my big coat/hat/gloves/boots and play in it and make loads of snow angels..

*Dreaming away*
(I love this iPhone app that makes my pictures look so cool)

Still in pain

Had another Xray on Monday and they said it's looking good....
And sent me to a physio therapist.. Who told me what exercises to do..
They ache like hell and my arms are in constant pain...
But I know I have to do it, so I do... 

Here is a pic of my arm all bruised up. It's the same on the other arm.
I am terrified of it snowing again.. I love snow. It makes me so happy when
I see it snowing and it's all white everywhere.. But if it snows I won't be going out
on my own :( 
I can't wait to go away next week. Think the sun will do me some good.
I am still off work which sucks as I am losing a lot of development, but also £'s.
But like I always say.. Health first.. Just wish it would hurry up..
Got this from Ads's uncle and his lovely wife :) It made me very happy.
Thank you!! xX


Life is unfair. All I got to say..
My mum called today and told me some bad news.

My cousin who is 12 years old is in a coma and might not make it..
And if she does she might never be herself again.. 
I'm devastated for her and her family who I love so much.
And yet again I find myself feeling helpless. 
I'm in England and they are in Slovenia.
(They had to take her there for special care, they live in Bosnia).
Why her? She is only a child and has so much to live for.
I will pray for her.. (I gave up on my faith years ago, but I will pray for her..)
I will hope that she wakes up and that she will be ok.
This year has been one of the worst ones in my life. I wish it would just STOP..
is what I feel.
is what I have..
Mum text me last night and told me she had woken up.
It's still too soon to say if she has any permanent damages.. 
But I'm so happy she is awake. I hope she will have a full recovery. 

Moja mala Ajla. Volim te ♥

Unlucky me

To keep it short as it aches to type..
I managed to fracture both of my elbows last Wednesday.
Yep, both..
I don't know how it happened. I was walking down the street and all of
a sudden I was laying on the back with a lot of pain.
A stranger came and helped me up, asked me if I needed a ride anywhere.
I was in shock and he drove me to my Dr, only saw a mean nurse who said it was all ok..
I knew better so called Ads, and we spent 4 hours at A&E, had x-rays and the Dr came with the bad news..
6 weeks off work :( I can't afford it,but got no choice.
I guess it could have been worse.
First few days I could not even go to the toilet on my own or scratch my nose.
Going back to hospital tomorrow for more X-rays, hoping he will say that I don't need
to operate. I can use my hands, but arms are stuck and I'm wearing two slings...
I don't know how I would have managed without Ads helping me with everything.

Thank you my love.

I could not even hug him on his B-day :( (Friday)

Randomz 7

I've not really been blogging frequently the last few months..
I just don't feel like it anymore..

Something that I used to love so much now feels like a waste of time in some sense..
I hate even writing that.. Not sure why I feel this way at the moment,
but I'm hoping that feeling will change.

I've thought about starting a new blog, but I'm rubbish at design things and
PC stuff in general.
No you couldn't believe it. I'm a geek that hates computers haha.

But for now I will post things if and when I feel like it.

I hate feeling like this. I'm so negative lately it's untrue :(
I am trying to think positive and look forward to some good things that are going
to happen in the near future.. But it feels like I keep getting sucked back into the darkness inside me.
I don't want to let go and have "D" take over again.
I don't have any special reasons that should make me feel down and "D".. I just do :/

The only time I feel okay lately is when I go hiking. When I leave Manchester behind for 3-4 hours on Sundays.
We go to different places each weekend and we walk for hours. I feel so free and totally at ease.
My body, mind and soul are free when I am out in the nature.
Not worrying about life and all the responsibilities. No worries....
If I could, I would walk more often, but I can't at the moment.
Just glad I have that day in the week to "switch off".

Some random pictures from nights out with some good friends (new ones mainly, from my new job).

Rachel, a lovely girl ♥

Crazy, but oh so lovely people :P

Think Banking!! The gang after the end of our "grad bay". ( not all of us)

Me having too many drinks, plus Tequila... Uh oh. Sent loads of texts to the gang lmao.

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